and just like that, in a vacant room with cobweb corners and beechwood panels, the lights turn on. you recognize the space, but it feels foreign in its dusty way. you trust your instincts because you've been honing them and relying on them your whole life--they being your sole trusted ally, as it were. this time, though, you resist an intense urge to flee, to forget that you'd stepped foot for a second time in the room where last you'd seen a ghost of yourself. sitting upright with fingers interlaced, you challenge yourself to be as present as possible. present and frightened and calm all at once.
it is completely possible to keep your head on straight while sporting a healthy-sized ego. the air that comes from being self-confident, if played correctly, can protect you from poisonous people and can actually lift others around you. so...
if you don't already, i suggest that you look into the work of paul madonna. his all over coffee is the only reason that i pick up the san francisco chronicle's pink section every sunday. and latey, i've been noticing that my photography has started to resemble his drawings. i'm under the influence.
makeup plays a considerable role in my life. for me, someone who spends nine hours a day maintaining an image of glossy composure, being without a painted face and calculated wardrobe puts me in a place where i feel completely out of control. with clean skin and naked eyelashes, there is nothing to hide behind. and it is then, when i find myself feeling self-conscious, that i'm reminded of the preposterousness of it all.
once i get over it, once i settle into the idea that people are seeing what i actually look like, my headspace turns a corner. and around that block, i melt into an honest version of myself.
i had an idea today just before my bikram yoga class was set to begin. the lights were off. i was lying on my back, breathing in the warm air--readying my body and mind for the ninety minutes to follow. and for a moment, my focus left my breath and drifted to the prospect of something truly spectacular: imagine if you could take a pill that would allow you to glow from within, making it possible to do anything--yoga included--in the pitch dark. your color, of course, would be up to you. patterns, a possibility.
even after sweating buckets, the notion still thrills me.
there has to be a direct correlation between time spent on facebook and obsessive, negative thoughts. lately it feels like my social networking tool is intending to drive me insane. i'm being constantly inundated with updates from people who i have deliberately disassociated myself from. yep. there's her new profile picture with the whale at marine world. ope. and apparently there's only twelve days until she's reunited with her baby boo . wow. and her bff--who happens to be just as irritating--just baked sixteen pies in twelve hours. a new personal record! (followed by a personal record for weight gain in a single week). must. remove. eyes. from. the. screen. before. i. become. one. of. them.